Receiving news that a loved one has a terminal illness can be emotionally overwhelming. You may wonder what to say, what to do, and how to cope with the time you have left together. Although this is an incredibly painful period, it’s also a chance to create meaningful moments, say goodbye, help your loved one get their affairs in order, and ensure their wishes are honoured.
Coping with anticipatory grief
Anticipatory grief is the grief experienced before a loss occurs. It is common when someone close to you is diagnosed with a terminal illness, and many find it more intense than grief after death.
Common emotional responses include:
guilt
denial
sorrow
depression
anger.
These reactions are normal. Everyone processes anticipatory grief differently. You may find it helpful to:
speak with trusted friends or family members
join a support group – either online or in person
seek guidance from a professional counsellor or therapist.
Talk to family and friends
When someone you love is nearing the end of their life, you may be asked to share the news with others. This can add to the emotional strain.
When sharing the news:
only do so when you feel ready
remember that sharing your burden can help you cope
be prepared for a range of reactions from others
encourage open and honest conversations.
Talking about death and saying goodbye
Talking about death is difficult but often necessary. Some people may be ready and want to talk openly; others may avoid the subject altogether. Be guided by your loved one’s comfort level.
Consider discussing:
reassurances of your presence and support
fond memories, meaningful stories and shared experiences
unspoken feelings – such as appreciation, apologies or forgiveness
Having these conversations can bring peace and closure for both of you.
Create precious memories
Spending quality time together can bring comfort and help create lasting memories.
Ways to create positive moments:
Host a small gathering with family and friends.
Take a short trip or visit a meaningful place.
Help your loved one fulfil any remaining wishes.
Look through old photos or share family stories.
Always check with your loved one about what they feel up to doing.
Discuss funeral wishes
Although difficult, discussing funeral arrangements in advance can ensure your loved one’s wishes are honoured and ease decision-making later.
Key questions to ask:
What type of service would they like?
What music should be played?
Do they prefer flowers or charitable donations? If donations, which charities?
What clothing and jewellery would they like to wear? Should jewellery be returned to family?
Who should act as pallbearers – family, friends, or colleagues?
Where should people gather after the service? Should catering be arranged?
What type of transport would they like – e.g., hearse or horse-drawn carriage?
Tip: Write down their responses so you have a clear record when it’s time to make arrangements.
Does your loved one have a will?
Having a valid Will is the best way to ensure your loved one’s wishes are legally recognised.
If they have a Will: Ask where it is stored and who the appointed executors are.
If they do not have a Will: Encourage them to make one. This will help ensure their property, money and possessions go to the people they choose.
Understanding funeral costs
It’s important to talk with your loved one about how the funeral will be paid for. Costs vary depending on location, the funeral director’s fees, and any third-party expenses (such as crematorium or burial fees). If you know the kind of funeral your loved one wants, you can get a clearer understanding of what it may cost.
Does your loved one have a pre-paid funeral plan?
A pre-paid funeral plan helps ensure that funeral costs are covered in advance, offering peace of mind for both your loved one and your family.
Ask your loved one:
Do they already have a funeral plan in place?
If so, where are the details kept?
Are they in the process of paying one off?
Would they like to explore the option of arranging a plan now?
Having this conversation ensures you're not left uncertain or unprepared when the time comes.