For LGBTQ+ people, thinking about death and bereavement can trigger a unique set of anxieties. Some may be worried about not having their relationships acknowledged, while others may be concerned about their sexuality becoming public after death or having their wrong gender identity addressed.
What if my identity is not honoured at my funeral?
This is a common and valid concern within LGBTQ+ communities. Family members may:
be unaware of the deceased’s gender identity or sexual orientation
choose not to acknowledge or accept it
attempt to organise the funeral in a way that does not reflect the person’s true self.
A funeral should be a respectful, meaningful reflection of a person’s life and identity. This includes their:
chosen name and pronouns
gender identity
relationships and family structure
cultural or religious beliefs – or lack thereof.
How can I make sure my funeral plans are respected?
To help ensure your identity and wishes are honoured:
Talk openly – share your funeral wishes with those you trust.
Write them down – create a funeral wishes document and keep it with your will or other important papers.
Use legal tools – consider a legally binding will, a funeral plan where you can express your funeral wishes and a power of attorney.
Appoint the right people – choose someone you trust to be responsible for arranging your funeral.
Be clear with professionals – discuss your wishes in detail with your chosen funeral director.
These steps can help protect your plans and reduce the chances of others overriding them.
What if I’m planning a funeral for an LGBTQ+ loved one?
If you’re organising a funeral for someone who identified as LGBTQ+:
Respect their identity: use the name, pronouns and identity they used for themselves.
Protect their privacy: do not disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity unless you are certain they would have wanted this shared.
Be mindful of disclosure: inappropriate disclosure of personal information may be unlawful and cause distress to others.
Work with a funeral director: choose a funeral professional who is respectful and inclusive. They can help ensure the ceremony reflects the person’s wishes and identity.
How can I prevent disapproving family members from taking over?
Unfortunately, disagreements over funeral arrangements are common – and this can be especially challenging for LGBTQ+ individuals.
To minimise the risk:
Make your wishes clear in writing: this helps create a formal record that others are less likely to challenge.
Nominate someone to take responsibility: choose someone who understands and supports your identity and values.
Inform key people: let those close to you know who should be in charge and what your preferences are.
Get professional advice: legal or estate planning professionals can help you formalise your wishes.
Will the funeral director be accepting of my identity?
It’s understandable to worry about being treated with respect. When choosing a funeral provider:
Ask about their experience with LGBTQ+ clients.
Look for inclusive language and policies on their website or in their materials.
Don’t hesitate to ask direct questions about how they will honour your identity and relationships.
A respectful funeral director should:
Treat every person with dignity and compassion.
Honour your name, pronouns and identity.
Offer support that is inclusive, sensitive and professional.